So I take the same route to work every day. Depending on traffic, I commute 10-12 hrs/week, 100 miles roundtrip. To make it to work on time, I have a window that I normally hit, between 7:00-7:10 am. By doing this, you end up running into the same slow drivers a couple of times a week. I’ve started to compile a list of some of the people I have to dodge weekly. They’ll be identified by how I remember them. First there’s INRI 5, an annoying old lady that doesnt travel over 55 mph (speed limit, 65). I dont think she’s King of the Jews (INRI 5 is  from her plates), but she slows me down at least 2x/week. I’d say I’m going to hell for picking on her, but she already puts me through hell in having to find ways around her. Then there’s the Dave’s Computer Service truck. Dave, I know you’ve been servicing the southland for over 20 years (as it states on your door), but all I can figure is that you’ve been pissing off drivers on I-55 for just as long. You should know better than anyone, if you’re running slowly, add RAM, defrag, do SOMETHING other than sitting in the left lane at 60 mph!

Today I had a new one. A jacked up Ford Excursion. Ok, your truck is already HUGE, why do you feel the need to jack it up another 18″ or so? And seriously, if you’re going to go the the trouble and expense of doing that, at least get rid of the factory tires/rims. GHETTO. But what I’m guessing is, by you jacking up that truck, it’s completely changed your ride. Or at least I hope thats the reason you drifted into my lane this morning nearly wiping me clean off the face of the earth.

I’m dreading the ride home though, cause then you have 3 new groups of people messing up traffic. First you have the blue collar guys that get off work at 2:30-3:00, rush to the bar, and POUND beers for about 2 hours. Then, they’ll get in their work trucks and weave their way through rush hour traffic. Next you have the students. The first thing they do when they get in the car is not put on the seatbelt, but immediately get on the cell phone. I know, you havent talked to your friends in all of 2 hours now and you’re afraid you missed something, so time to call them up and NOT pay attention to driving. Last, but not least, you have the worst group, the minivan moms. There is great disparity in how this group operates, but you know you’re around them when you see the soccer ball stickers on their back window. You either have the 5’1″ moms in the full size Tahoes that cant see over the wheel, but insist in driving as FAST as they can so when they have  to stop fast they nearly throw the young’uns in the back seat watching Barney through the windshield. Then you have group two that has about 8 kids in the back, and they’re too busy arguing, feeding, chatting w/ the kids to realize they’re behind the wheel of a 3000 lb. death machine. Ah, no biggy, they have their seatbelts on…. or DO they? In either event, get the F**K outta my way.

There are others, and you know who you are. I didnt even touch the ‘I was running late this morning and had to put on my makeup on the way’ or the ‘shaving is much easier behind the wheel of a car’ or my favorite ‘Its easy to read the morning paper / book while driving 70mph’ people. I think the best two I’ve seen before. A lady putting on makeup WHILE on the phone, driving 70 MPH! Talent? Stupidity? You decide. But the BEST one ever, watching a guy do a line of coke off a mirror on top of his steering wheel, you win the award dude. What the award is, I dunno, but you totally win it! 

*update* I saw the ghetto Ford Excursion again this morning. This time, photo evidence of it’s ghetto-ness!

[Listening to: Sin - Stone Temple Pilots]